How to Beat a Vegan in an Argument
Originally written by George Martin
Your step-by-step guide to justifying killing animals and destroying the planet…
Step 1: Remind them that humans have been eating meat for thousands of years
No vegans are aware of this, but one thing they are aware of is that if humans have been doing something for thousands of years, it must be acceptable. After all, there’s nothing worse than moral progress!
Step 2: Become a plant rights activist
Everybody knows that killing animals and killing plants is the same thing. Be sure to condemn a vegan driver if they swerve onto the grass to avoid running over your dog… they’d have only taken one life if they’d have just headed straight for Ol’ Yeller, but no, they had to take out an entire family of blades of grass instead.
Step 3: Ask them what they’d do if they were stranded on a desert island
Vegans are routinely stranded on desert islands. This is why many of them have beards.
Step 4: Remind them that eating meat isn’t illegal
If politicians think something is okay, then it must be!
Step 5: Shout “BACON” repeatedly
Vegans have never heard of this product. This will disorientate the vegan.
Step 6: Point at your canine teeth
Everyone knows that if you have a body part capable of doing something, that means it’s okay to do whatever it is that it/they can be used for. For consistency, be sure to sexually assault someone and then point at your dick when the police question you as to why you did it.
Step 7: Tell them that we need to eat animal products to survive
Many vegans are unaware of the fact that they are actually dead, much like Bruce Willis’ character in ‘The Sixth Sense’.
Step 8: Tell them that meat is tasty
No vegans are aware of this, since none of them have ever eaten meat in their entire lives.
Step 9: Tell them vegan food tastes like shit
It’s a well known fact that not a single one of the 20,000 edible plant species on earth or the spices and other products derived from them are in the slightest bit appetising.
Step 10: Remind them that they use electricity
Being involved in a justice movement is hypocritical if you use electricity. Be sure to also tell racial equality campaigners, gay rights activists and anti child abuse campaigners that their cause is pointless for the same reason.
Step 11: Call them a pussy
Caring about stuff and siding with the weak and defenceless over the all-powerful masses is for pussies.
Step 12: Remind them that your situation is just like a lion’s
Let them know about that one time you stalked your prey down in the meat aisle at Sainsbury’s, clutching a weapon fashioned out of plastic called a ‘credit card’.
Step 13: Make them aware of how you eating meat and animal products actually benefits things
Finally, make the vegan aware of all the good eating meat, cheese, milk, eggs, fish, etc. does for animals, the environment, and other humans. Seeing as veganism helps none of those things, this will make the vegan realise which is the cause REALLY worth fighting for.